abijan

this one's going to be a long one without pictures.

i went to watch mama mia with the class people today. mind you i would never watch that if not for investigating art (we have to do a movie review). its a love comedy musical thing. and why am i writing about this? well you see in that show there are several scenes that made me think about my relationship with sarah. several questions that i do not have answers to. was it bad to end it? was it wrong for it to happen? how did it happen in the first place? what is it that i really want? and what do i need?

recently things havent been smooth sailing. this usually means hour long arguments with sarah on msn. cutting to the chase, there are some things i wished i hadnt said and there are some things that she wished she did not do. we all have our regrets. and as i sit here pouring my thoughts and recollections onto this blog i cant help but wonder what is going through her head right now. i cant begin to imagine what consequences we brought into our lives after this battle of words and emotions. she doesnt pick up my calls now. i still cannot believe that we are actually breaking apart.

the truth is, i still love her. i still hold a space, an emotion left somewhere here inside. but i guess its not going to work out. i just cant put my finger on it. i cant bring myself to delete her messages or our pictures together. i dont know whether i should or should not. i really dont know what to do now. it hasnt been abrupt but a slow constant decline. i dont know what to do. its just all blank now.

the other side of the story

thats her side of the story right there. read it if you want. in fact i want you to. there shouldnt be any biasness. i feel as if ive killed a person or worse. but i know things have to change. times change ane people change. i guess the reason ive been feeling much remorse is because this is my first genuine time im going through this. my mind works simple. it just filters out the soppy stuff. it wants itself to look strong and be strong. spartan strong you know? no sadness no weakness. something that turns me into a robot. even silentmode has more emotion than me i guess.

is the break up official? my mind says yes but my heart is still saying no.

rock on
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